sarahski

If you didn’t see Thursday’s post, Life is Hard and Friendship is Rare, please check that out.

The problem with all relationships is that sometimes, we’re not on the same page, which causes tension. How many conversations did we have to have in high school, either turning down an unwanted crush or being turned down? This happens with friendships too, while usually not as awkward, can be just as painful.

As I mentioned in my last post – life is hard. No two people are going to say in the same spot in life. Life changes, and so must the dynamic of the friendship. The girls who met in their college dorm and partied regularly for four years will not have the same relationship once they both marry. However, changing dynamics doesn’t have to come with drama, and it doesn’t mean that the quality of the relationship has to suffer. The better we accept the organic ebb and flow of things, the easier it is to have a friend for years to come.

The bottom line of it is this: We can always have good friendships as long as we put the effort into it. What effort means varies by the people involved, but the trend must be back and forth. Friendship must be a two way street, or it will wither and eventually cease to exist.

There are friends who can only catch up once a year, but when they do, they pick up right where they left off. This is okay, because that’s how that friendship exists, and presumably, both parties are okay with this. It would not be okay if, for instance, the parties had a standing monthly date and only once a year did it work out. It would be a safe bet that at least one of them would be unhappy with the arrangement and the repeatedly hurt expectations. There are friends who meet once a week, rain or shine. There are friends who live together for a period of time. There is no manual of how a friendship should look, but both parties need to be on the same page.

Whatever the currency is, whatever this should look like to you, you have to be prepared to give to the friendship and open yourself up. Nurture the friendship and treat your friends like they are important to you, because presumably, they are. Again, there’s no manual for what this should look like, and it’s likely that all this happens without instruction. When you care about someone, it’s instinctual to invest in them, to care for them.

If it’s a good friendship, or even, if it’s a friendship at all, it’s a two way street. You give, and your friend gives back. If you break down the actions, the shopping, the coffee, the crying in the middle of the night, that’s the formula. It doesn’t always have to be even, and are times when one person needs to take more than they can give. This is just part of life.

None of this would need to be said, however, if there weren’t the instances where friendship is NOT a two-way street. Now, mind you, I just said that there are times when people need to take more than they can give. There’s a difference between this and flat out non-reciprocation.

Maybe this doesn’t apply to you, because you’re not that kind of person. But for some of us, whose best days come from being able to love and DO and give and be there for others – we eventually come to learn that we attract people who like to leech off of us. Why this is, I don’t really know, maybe it’s to feed their egos, maybe they don’t know any better, or maybe they’re just really sadistic. Friendship, for people like me, is a really hard thing. Because if you let me, I could be the best friend you’ll ever have. I’m loyal, a good listener, and there isn’t much I won’t do for my friends.

I know there are people like me who give up on having friendships. They’ve seen how cruel people can be, and there’s only so much beating their hearts can take. I don’t blame these people a bit. I haven’t hit that point yet, and I’m still willing to take that risk. I know how exceedingly happy I am when I get to spend time with a friend, whether it’s for coffee, prepping NaNo materials, or bowling. I love life and I love being able to share in the lives of my friends, in the good and the bad. I know that we are not meant to be alone, and that while I have my husband, having other friends makes our relationship better.

Good, true friendships are worth fighting for. Bad ones are not. But sometimes you have to accept that friendship is a two way street, and if you’re doing all this fighting and nothing is coming back … there’s nothing else you can do.

Life is something like Mario Kart. We all start out at the same place. Some of us can’t control our karts, and we drive off the edge five times in the first lap. We slip on the banana peel left by some person or another, and we’re rocked by the red shell from the person behind us. Even when things are going well and we think the coast is clear, that spiny shell comes from the person in last place and blows us up three feet from the finish line – and we go from first to sixth.

Life is endlessly complicated, but that’s why it’s such a relief to have friends. A good friend comes along side and helps you out, whether it’s with moral support, physical support, or any of the millions of things we do for each other. Friends are there for the good and the bad; they gently correct each other – as Proverbs 27:17 says “As iron sharpens iron, so a man sharpens the countenance of his friend.” Friendship isn’t a stagnant thing – it’s meant for us to better each other!

But the thing is, a good friendship is rare. There are lots of people out there with whom we can share a good time, and several whom might even help us through a time or two. But a real friendship is rare, and it is work, just like any other relationship. I dare say that’s why we might have lots of “casual friends”, but maybe one or two deep friends in a lifetime. How many people would you run to in the middle of the night if they were having a crisis – and how many of those can you say with certainty would do the same for you?

If over the last couple decades we’ve distorted what it is to love something, I think the last few years of social media has worn down the word friend. I don’t keep track of the number of “friends” I have on facebook, but I know that number greatly exceeds whom I actually think of as friends. It’s not that I’m callous – there are lots of people on there whom I like an am fond of. I would even call them a friend, but they’re not friends in that life-altering way.

Sometimes, we think we have one of those life-altering friendships. We have one of those people that we can confide in, who share their hearts with us, that we can celebrate, mourn, and grow with. But sometimes, we have it wrong. Please come back on Tuesday for the second half of this: “Friendship is a two way street”.

Matt shared this post with me a few weeks ago: “The Disease Called Perfection“. It struck me then, and it’s been in the back of my mind since. I’ve been noticing that mask we put up, because we don’t want to look bad to others. Really, we do it every day when someone asks us how we are, and we mumble “fine” or “good” when we don’t mean it. This is something that I’ve especially noticed in churches – you go around and greet each other, but no one ever says anything other than the status quo answer.

Of course, the one time we tried to be a little more transparent about ourselves, it backfired. It was last summer (2009) and we’d found a church that we liked pretty well. So when people asked Matt how he was, he decided to give them an honest answer: “I had a rough week.” This startling answer led to them asking why, to which Matt would talk a little bit about his job. He wasn’t over the top about it, just honest – I believe at the time, he was working some ridiculous long hours because no one had listened to his foresight months prior. The result of this honesty was that people began to look at him like something of a charity case. Oh, sure, he wasn’t known for being the guitar player (he hates being labeled as such), but he was the guy who dislikes his job, and this was clearly a spiritual problem.

I think if we were all real, Matt’s honesty wouldn’t have been so startling.

Now, I realize that not everyone is a “wear their heart on their sleeve” type of person. That’s fine. You don’t need to give out every intimate detail of your life, but we shouldn’t go around pretending that we’re fine when we’re not.

One of the most chilling examples of this to me, is Revolutionary Road. Frank and April Wheeler want to escape the so-called American dream, which isn’t working for them, and start over. So they make plans, which end up getting postponed, and then the dream slips away until Frank decides that it’s too far. Their friends and neighbors, who had expressed disapproval at the Wheelers’ plans, are relieved when they announce that the plans have been abandoned. On the outside, everything is normal, the suburban family with a in control father, a doting housewife, picket fence house and 2.5 kids. So how is it that April Wheeler winds up dead in a completely preventable way?

We’re not meant to be solitary creatures, and we’re not meant to wear the weight of the world on our shoulders. Even Britney Spears, once perfect princess of pop, can spiral out of control and wind up shaving her head in the middle of the night. Celebrities whose faces are plastered as perfection on billboards and magazine covers can’t hold it together all the time, and neither can we. We shouldn’t try. The more you paint the facade of perfection, the more fantastic and horrendous your fall will be.

Learn to ask for help.
Learn to admit when you’re in over your head.
Lean on your friends and your family.
Take time to yourself and with those that matter to you – escape the world periodically.
Don’t pretend everything is fine when it’s not.

I’m not even saying that you need to let in the entire world when you have a bad day. But at least let in those nearest and dearest to you. When you have real relationships with people, you share the good and the bad. Real relationships are those that sip champagne or pop in the good times and cry on shoulders in the bad. If you only let people in on the good and never the bad, there will be relationship whiplash when the metaphorical termites have taken off your roof and no one knew there was a problem. In fact, I dare say, if you can’t let someone in on your hard times – only the good – that’s not a real relationship. But that’s where this could digress into a relationships with others 101 course.

My point is this: We are not the stepford wives. We are not June Cleaver. Not even the highly airbrushed models look that good. As a society, we need to stop valuing the facade over the relationships. That starts with you. That starts with me.

Be real.

Stacy is my friend and co-blogger. Look for her posts every Wednesday!

The air is starting to feel crisp, and we are now to the point in the season when soups and stews seem to satisfy our need for warmth.  Fall is coming.  Orchards are back in business, and with the apples come my favorite fruit, pumpkins.

I step out of my sister’s car and into the air that would be too chilly except for the sun.  I clasp my niece’s tiny hand and we walk toward the fenced alpacas and goats.  The orchard is crowded with people of all ages enjoying one of the last good days of summer.  Laughter is everywhere.  I marvel at my niece as she experiences the warm tongue of a baby goat lapping up the sweetness of her hand, some sugary delight she enjoyed earlier.

“Wanna get some cider and doughnuts?”  My mom and I look at each other, smile, and excitingly shake our heads in approval of this idea.

We stroll, filled with freshly-baked doughnuts and sweet chilled cider, to the apple tent, taking in the sweet smell of the red and yellow orbs.  Then to the fudge tent, filled with warmth from the kettles of bubbling chocolate, sending sweet steam into the air.

I smile at the next tent.  I see familiar friends that remind me my favorite season is upon us.  The cheery orange cheeks beam up at me from the ground as I begin my search for the perfect pumpkin to take home.

After careful inspection, I heave one big enough to just fit in my arms off the grass, and hug it close to me as I take it to the table to pay.

“Is there anything else you’d like?”  A blond woman smiles at me, eager to help the busy mass of customers.  I see a large crate of small pumpkins in the periphery, and decide to be adventurous.

“How many of these will it take to make a pie?”

Grandma’s Homemade Pumpkin Pie (Courtesy of Yates’ Orchard)

1.  Preheat oven to 425 degrees.

1. Wash the exterior of the pumpkin in cool or warm water, no soap.  Cut the pumpkin in half, scoop out the seeds.
2. Remove the stem, and put the pumpkin into a microwaveable bowl.  You may need to cut the pumpkin into smaller sections.  The fewer pieces the easier it will be to scoop the pumpkin out.  Pour a couple of inches of water in the bowl, cover and cook for 15 minutes on high.  Check to see if it’s soft, then repeat in smaller increments until pumpkin is soft enough to scoop out.  This normally takes 20 to 30 minutes.  You can cook it on the stove, it just takes twice as long.  Scoop pumpkin out of skin and puree using a blender for 2 to 3 minutes.
3. Combine:  1 cup sugar, 1 ½ tsp. ground cinnamon, 1 tsp. ground cloves, 1 tsp. ground allspice, ½ tsp. ground ginger, ½ tsp. salt (optional), 4 large eggs, 3 cups pumpkin “glop”, 1 ½ 12 oz. cans of evaporated milk.
4. Mix well using a hand blender or mixer.  Pour into two 9-inch unbaked deep dish pie shell.  Fill shells up to ½ to ¾ from the top.  Bake for 15 minutes.  Turn oven down to 250, and bake for 45 to 60 minutes, until table knife comes out of the center clean.

**I found that it took longer than 60 minutes at 250 to cook the first pie I made.  For the second, I turned my oven down to 300 degrees, and baked for approximately an hour.  Just be sure to keep track of time, so it doesn’t burn.**

Jeremy is the DM for our current campaign, which the Adventuring for Ale comic is based on. He graciously hosts the four of us at his house every week. I asked him to answer a few questions for me, and was floored with the awesome responses. Thanks, Jeremy!

1. What previous experience have you had with role playing systems, and which has been your favorite?

I’ve always been interested in RPG’s and would just buy the rules for any system I came across that looked interesting.  Finding other people to actually play them has always been the hard part.  Of the systems that I have owned / played over the years I’ve only played a handful to the point where I feel I’ve mastered the rules.  Every version of DnD starting with 2nd edition.  Paranoia, Palladium (Robotech), Silhouette (Jovian Chronicles / Heavy Gear).

I don’t really have a favorite system per say as they all seem to have flaws.  My favorite RPG gaming sessions have been playing Robotech though.  I really like character generation in that system and the tables they have for adding cool random ticks, insanity, phobias, etc is so much fun we actually use them when we play other games like Paranoia.  Plus it has cool giant robots which is pretty much awesome.

2. How did you end up as the DM?

For whatever reason nobody likes to DM.  I suspect it’s because I tend to be one of the few people who have read through all the rules and typically the DM should know the rules of whatever game system you’re playing.  There’s also the whole coming up with story, encounters, etc that takes a lot of time outside of a scheduled session.  It usually comes down to either I DM or we don’t play at all cause nobody else wants to do the work.

3. What’s been your favorite moment of the campaign you’re currently running?

It’s hard to pin down specific events as I’m running two separate groups in the same world both on a weekly basis and things start to blend together these days.  In general my favorite times have been when the party through no direct malicious intent tips all my plans on end and does something completely un-expected.  This has happened a few times in my most recent campaign.

My favorite event so far though was when the party stepped through a portal and I gave a simple description of “You find yourselves standing on a small hill.” and I get groans from around the table as the party knows they have found themselves at a location they had been previously in the campaign.  For good or bad I’ve created very memorable locations and events and it makes me happy when we can go back to a place we haven’t been in months and get the recognition.

4. You’re running two groups in the same universe concurrently. That’s pretty epic. What are the differences between the two groups of players you have? Are you crazy or brilliant for putting both groups in the same campaign?

I’ll be honest I don’t know what possessed me to do this.  Running two separate groups in the same campaign and having their actions directly affect each other from week to week has been crazy.  The players seem to love it as they keep hearing these rumors about the other group and they keep ending up in different locations right after the other group has left.  It’s been a lot of fun for me as the different groups plot against each other and often inadvertently aid or hinder the other groups progression.

I run one group on Wednesday nights that is on the bigger side, 6 players.  They have typically been more combat oriented and usually more predictable in that they will charge headlong into most encounters.  This group has been very lucky in some of their dealings with NPCs and as such have acquired significant wealth and recently even have been granted titles and the deed to a sizable piece of land with a small town (that was destroyed by undead hordes).  With the war going on in the campaign they are rebuilding this town with the help of the many displaced refugees.  It’s been an interesting side bit that I just tossed out there to see how it would work out.

The other group that I run on Thursday nights is only 4 players.  Generally they are more interested in the story and roleplaying aspects of the campaign.  Often finding solutions to encounters that don’t require combat.  Be it diplomacy or just quick thinking.  Because of this they have found themselves allied with a group of dragons which was an unexpected turn of events which has made the campaign take an interesting twist that I definitely didn’t see coming.

When I first started with the two groups my thought was that it would save me a lot of work cause I wouldn’t have to keep notes on 2 different campaigns.  Also thought there would be an epic show down between the two groups toward the end of the campaign that would be fun.  Since my smaller group is several levels ahead of the larger group I figured it would balance out in difficulty since they are essentially running the same level of encounters.  As we get nearer to the end of this campaign arc I’m beginning to regret my decision of putting both groups in the same world as the differences in play style are not going to pan out well in a PvP scenario.  I guess we’ll just have to play it by ear and see how it goes.  In the end it’s been very interesting but probably not an idea I will repeat for our next campaign.

5. What do you like better, being the DM or being a player?

Definitely like being a player more.  As a DM you can’t really get attached to most of your characters and even the ones that might be around for a while don’t really get to challenged.  As a player you get to create a character and put them in situations designed to challenge them and succeed or fail.  You develop the character as he levels and he takes on a personality developed by his actions and interactions with the other party characters.  I like to play interesting characters that make the entire party laugh and groan at my actions.  You can do this as a DM but to a lesser extent as it’s hard to keep up with different personalities for all the NPCs.

6. What helps you keep your campaign organized?

Organized?  I’m anything but organized.  Years of playing Paranoia have taught me that players are unpredictable monsters out to destroy you and your only weapon against them is to not plan further then your next session and those plans should be loose ideas at best.  In my early days as DM I would spend hours planning out each encounter in great detail and making sure it was perfectly balanced.  Then we’d DnD night would come and 2 people wouldn’t make it, or the party would find some other path to take that I didn’t expect.  The trick to making it all up as you go is to not get too attached to any single idea or plot element.  Let the players tell the story, just fill in the gaps and give them a gentle push when they look like they are lost.

Because I am running two different groups in the same campaign I find it useful to have all my notes on the various locations and NPCs in a central place.  I’ve been using ObsidianPortal as of late.  It’s a pretty basic wiki designed for RPGs.  I’d like more features but don’t really have time to make my own and haven’t found anything better for free.

7. What kind of character would you like to play next?

My last couple DnD characters which I played for a few levels were both melee fighters (a Ranger and a Barbarian).  I’m torn between playing some kind of caster for a change of pace or a paladin as I like to get up in their face.

8. Are you ever going to tell us who was behind the murder of the baron’s family?

Probably.  This is one of those things could be a great plot hook if I need it.  As a DM you always try to keep a few mysteries around just in case you need to make something interesting happen. (note from Sarah: oh no, our party did it, didn’t we?)

9. When are you going to get your awesomely talented wife to draw you some graphics?

Her Cintiq is currently at the repair shop.  Hoping that once she gets it back I’ll be able to convince her to draw some NPCs portraits for me.

10. What’s your opinion on min/maxing?

I think different players have different play styles.  Some players enjoy pushing the rules part of the system and try to make their characters epic combatants.  Other players tend to enjoy the story and roleplaying aspects more.  I’ve found these two types don’t tend to mix well most of the time so as long as the players have similar thoughts on how they are playing the game it works out.

I tend to throw harder encounters at min/maxers both because they are that much better at combat and because those types of players tend to thrive on the combat aspects of the game.

Finally … Are my dice cursed, or what?

Definitely cursed.  I’ve never seen a single person roll below a 5 on a D20 as much as you.