sarahski

I wasn’t really sure to title this post. “Sarah waxes on about friendship, part infinity” didn’t seem quite right.

Matt and I just had an interesting conversation in the car, and so I wanted to blab a little bit. I feel like this might be one of those times where I’m accidentally offensive, which probably means that I should just keep quiet.

My natural tendency is to like people, to care about them, and give them the benefit of the doubt. When we see people, I usually get all smiley afterwards and proclaim to Matt that “we’re going to be friends” – whatever that means.

I’ve said for many years that I want this “best friend” that is the friend that I see periodically, go through life changes with, but that I can always talk to if I need to, or if she needs me. I got her back yo, and she got mine. (For lack of a more eloquent way of putting it)

However, I’ve also learned that this idea just doesn’t work. I am right on the line between introvert and extrovert, and the introverted part of me isn’t good at setting up friendships, while the extrovert really wants to.

This comic, from this person, sums up my interaction with people pretty well.

One major thing I appreciate about my friend Kate is that she’s been so honest about feeling this way too, that being proactive is really hard for her. I think it’s partially because of this that we’ve become pretty good friends. (I consider her one of my closest friends, truthfully)

In the link there, I also talk about how, while I really like the “one friend to rule them all” principle, it usually ends up biting me in the butt, because I choose personality types that don’t meld with mine in the long run.

I’ve been thinking about it – and 300 words into this post, I’m getting to my point here – and it’s not so much that I need a “one ring” friend, so much as I really like what I’d call “meaningful” friendships. My favorite people are those whom I feel like I share a bit of their lives and thoughts and can share mine, likewise. I’m not saying that I want people to share details with me that they’re not comfortable with, but if they have a crappy day, they can tell me about it. Friends that I know really like gummy worms, but maybe not cake, so much. I realize that at this point in my life, when people are growing up, having families of their own and really putting down their career path, this isn’t so easily obtained. And that’s fine. It just makes me super happy when I know that I can talk to someone, because they can talk to me, because we know things about each other.

A couple of friends of mine have become pregnant in the last little bit, and internally, I was quite a bit more excited for one friend. It’s not that I was unhappy for other friend, but I realized that I was very excited for one friend because she had shared with me her desire for children, whereas the other friend really hadn’t. I consider her a friend, but I don’t really know much about her life, which makes it more difficult for me to celebrate life events. If a friendship with someone is based on something static, when that thing is removed or changes, it’s much harder to maintain a friendship. Whereas, if the friendship begins at a point and expands to other things that ebb and flow along with life, I feel like that friendship is more likely to last … not stay the same, but last, nonetheless.

I feel like this post needs an eloquent ending after such rambling. But in order to give it a proper ending, I feel like I’d need to have reached some destination, and I haven’t. I can’t say as I have, this is just another step along the way. Friendships are something that is very important to me, and now I can better define how and why. I really like people. (In certain quantities … I am still an introvert) While I thought that I desired one particular friendship, I realize now that it’s not the case … what I want are a few meaningful friendships, and for those to be reciprocated.

Now that I’ve got all the depth out of the way, wait ’til you hear my conspiracy post about Dr. Pepper …

Alright, so, back from M’s week+ off. Everything I said about not getting the cherokee ’til spring? Yeeeeah. Not so much. M’s dad put tires on it for us from one of their jeeps, and we got an offer on M’s neon, so we went with it. So, like, half of our vacation time was spent in car stuff, just like we didn’t want. But, the whole thing has been sussed out to everyone’s satisfaction, and it’s kind of nice being up that high. We’ve nicknamed the thing the “Ebon Hawk”, after the spaceship in KOTOR.

Other than that, though, we did have a nice week. We played a lot of The Old Republic, watched Dragon Ball, saw a couple of movies, and went out to eat at the French Laundry. The French Laundry has fantastic sandwiches, and is this cute little place in downtown Fenton. The wait is always a little ridiculous because it’s Fenton’s worst kept secret … the wait that particular day was super ridiculous for 2:30 pm. (I guess it’s because they were naming a sandwich after someone and that took up quite a few tables) So yeah. If you’re ever around here, I know a good spot for a reuben.

So, anyway, big topic of the day: Our friends are having kids.
Now, we’ve had one group of friends who, as far as I’ve known them, have always had kids. So I just associate them as having kids, and they’re not friends I see very often anyway, so I guess it’s just not on my radar. My friend Kate had a baby last year, and … I don’t know. I guess I hadn’t known Kate long enough prior to her having Rocketship that it was strange to me.

But now, it’s “the friends group” … and I have to admit, this takes me aback. Now, I’m not slamming the choice to have kids, or saying I’m upset or anything.  But I realize that this opens the floodgate for our group of geeks to start having kids – now that there’s one, I suspect it’ll be in the water. Other friends have mentioned wanting kids soon, which is cool for them.

I guess what’s strange, for me, is upon seeing friends having kids, it highlights my complete void where that desire for kids is ‘supposed’ to be. I can’t say as I even understand that desire. It’s not that I really dislike kids, or think they’re bad. I like them in small doses, but I don’t understand wanting one 24/7, much like I don’t understand why anyone would want a snake for a pet, or want to drive a hummer. The dog and cat are enough work, and I’m not even responsible for turning them into competent citizens.

I feel bad that I don’t want kids, because I feel like I’m supposed to…because most people want them. I know that not having kids, to some degree, means social isolation. Even if I understand parenting theories, and even if I find stories about my friends’ kids interesting, there’s this wall there. Parents want to socialize with other parents, because they want that community. There’s this whole, very important aspect that you don’t share.

So I guess it’s more that I’m afraid with one of our friends having kids, within a few years, it means we won’t have any friends. Is it totally irrational? Maybe. But I don’t exactly have a lot of experience with how babies change relationships…I never had to share with a sibling, so I don’t know how to share my friends, either.

Well, let’s puff out this oreo post with something more light hearted. I got an embossing tool for card making/scrapbooking, and we picked up a laser printer. These two statements aren’t really connected, other than I’m pretty excited about both. The laser printer in particular was an adventure – we went out for an ink cartridge and found that the printer was something like $10 more, ridiculous sale and all. I decided that we should throw it in my trunk, but as it turns out, the trunk freezes. Oh, we got it open okay, but the lobster claw latch stuck in place and wouldn’t stay shut. Thankfully, there was a block of wood in the back and Matt was there to smack the latches into submission. The printer prints SO FAST. We don’t do a *ton* of printing, but when we do print things, it seems like there’s a bunch. Laser printers aren’t supposed to dry up like inkjet cartridges, and they last much longer. So I’m hoping that overall, it’ll be less hassle. Though really, I think it’s worth it just because this printer doesn’t shoot paper on the floor.

So, I completely botched sending out cards this year, and for that, I feel pretty rotten. It wasn’t that I was going to send them out to a million people – just closest family. But everything after November really got away from me. As you can see from the previous post, I did spend quite a bit of time making gifts, which I’m glad I got to do. I did make some cards, but then I misplaced them.

It’s not that I’m not thinking of people, but, man, this month really swooshed by.

Honestly, it’s another point in favor of skipping NaNoWriMo next year. I didn’t have the time to work on gifts or cards in November, and there wasn’t enough time in December. Yes, yes, I could start earlier, but … I don’t know. I’m not a fan of Christmas music before December 1st, I’m not really sure if I could work on Christmas cards in September. Har har har.

I do have some thank you notes to write though, and The Boy is off of work ’til January 3rd. Maybe I’ll see if I can send out some letters, at least?

Oh, and some good news! The in laws are going to buy themselves a new car, and are offering us their Cherokee. We’ve talked it over, and I think we’re going to gracefully retire Matt’s Neon and keep my Mustang. His Neon has served us really well, considering that it’s at 216k. But … yeah. I mean, I’ve been dreading the whole car thing for a while now, knowing that we were going to have to seriously look into replacing that thing this year or next. The Cherokee is the same age, but has considerably fewer miles on it, and M’s dad takes super nice care of his vehicles. The gas expense goes up a bit, but to be blunt, I’m not passing up a free car in good shape. I think we’re going to take the ‘Chokee’ in April, if Matt’s car hangs in there that long. It’ll give us time to save up for new tires for the thing. The best part about it is that we’ll have two vehicles that either of us can drive.

… This means I will, at some point, FINALLY get to drive when we take a road trip. Theoretically, anyway.

Oh, we’ve also been watching a lot of How I Met Your Mother lately. Good show.

Stomach is rumbling and I need to hop in the shower. So! Off I go. Merry Christmas and whatnot.

I’m already feeling high strung, and it’s not even November yet. Mackerels and porkchops, that’s just not good. It’s a drawback to nano that from some time in September through the first couple weeks in December, that nano starts competing for my attention. This time of year, it’s more like everything else has to compete with nano. It’s not that I particularly mind, but I feel like I’ve had more ‘stuff in my head’ to churn over than previously.

We’ve come upon that time where already, the holidays are feeling completely and utterly overwhelming to me. I’m going to attempt to articulate why.

Gift-giving is ridiculously hard. Now, I love giving gifts – I really do. But when my circle of people I give gifts to went from 2 to … way higher, it got overwhelming. I can’t put the thought into gifts that I used to, because neither my time nor my wallet can support it. There is the factor that the people I’d most love to lavish gifts on – my parents – are terribly far way. Then, add in the nano factor. As I mentioned, nano starts swallowing me up at the end of September and spits me out in writerly gristle in December. I am not well-organized enough to start compiling gifts beforehand, and there is no way that I have the mental energy after. I need a week or two to decompress after nano, because I’m not always certain I remember my name afterwards. After that, there’s no time for gifts.

Stepping away from the gifts, there’s the social factor. I am an introvert. Granted, I am not so introverted that I dislike social gatherings, but I definitely need introvert time, and large gatherings are incomprehensibly draining. I do best in groups of 2-4, and for every person beyond that, it drains my social battery a percentage faster. If you factor in people to whom I’m not well-acquainted, double that rate. Now, let’s add the nano factor. In this case, I am being “super extrovert caretaker sarah” for the writers on a daily basis during November. So by the time you get me to Thanksgiving, my social batteries are already hurting. I finish nano, and then there’s Christmas parties and other holiday gatherings.

So what I’m trying to say is: the holidays are just really, super, capital Overwhelming for me. In saying all this, I’m not asking for pity. I’m just trying to explain so that, when I look like some sad emo kid in the corner who isn’t talking to anyone – it’s because my circuits are fried. That’s all.

The last few weeks have been … weeky. I don’t really know what else to say about it. I feel like I’ve been in constant motion, gearing up for NaNo and everything that comes before and after that. From October through January, I feel like things are just a flurry of motion. I wish I could say that I would be more consistent with updates here, but truthfully, I don’t know. All of my update energy has been directed towards GeekyWives, and even that has been difficult. (Which is not how I need it to be right before NaNo.) This last week in particular, I had something going on every single day. That’s okay, life has spurts of busy, but man. Crazy.

So, for some reason, going through the NaNo site has compelled me to share this bit of randomness.

My username on the NaNo site is Leianajade – If I had known that one day I would be a notable figure in the region, I think I would have gone with the less bizarre, more specific “SarahSki” name. Leianajade is my gamer handle, much as StanManX is Matt’s – however, unlike Matt’s, the nickname has not crossed the real life threshold.

I think I came up with the name for a new character in Guild Wars, after I grew tired of my monk, Cara Elle. Matt had been letting me borrow the Thrawn trilogy, so I was feeling inspired in that direction. I wanted a name that was obvious to me what it was, without being so completely obvious. (Leia Skywalker, LOLZ) That is how Leiana Jade came to be. As I began making accounts on things to play with Matt’s friends, it became the default nickname.

I think it’s still my favorite screen name of the various incarnations I’ve had over the years. Over the years, my screen names have reflected a variety of fandoms, but this one has developed an identity of it’s own, largely because it’s not SO closely related to the source. It’s feminine, unlike  ”caledonhockley”. It isn’t the name of an existing company, unlike “bluediamond12″, and it is both pronounceable and easily spelled, unlike a couple other email addresses that we’ll leave out.

A point to all this? None, really. Just wanted to share something.