sarahski

Disclaimer: I don’t think there’s anything wrong with having children. I love kids. I think it takes a lot of work, dedication and sacrifice to raise kids. That being said …

Apparently it starts when they get pregnant. Pregnant women are smug.

Then they give birth and they officially join the ranks of motherhood elitists.

You can kinda smell it in the air around them, but then one day they come out and say it: they think you’re an inferior female because you haven’t pushed a kid out your va-jay-jay.

As one of these aforementioned “inferior” women, I’d like to say … WHAT.

I may not have had the pleasure of getting 2 hours of sleep a night because of a colicky infant, but just because you have, does not mean that you’ve experienced a form of life enlightenment. At the very least, this attitude, that I am a lesser human being, is an insult…and yes, it has happened to me, several times.

What if it were not physically possible for me to bear children? Are you really going to say that I am physically lesser than you, because my ovaries and uterus don’t work right? Would I start listing my gender as “neutered”? Or is it because I have apparently made a choice to remain childless at this point? Should I be forced to surrender my opinion and interest in children if I don’t have the desire to have one of my own?

Mothers talk a lot about their children. I’m not saying they shouldn’t, this is just a fact. I want you to talk about your kids, because they’re part of your life. But if you tell me that Johnny Sue is having a problem, you can’t act like I’m a blundering idiot when I offer advice. Sure, maybe I don’t understand all of it, but surely your IQ has not gone up 40 points every time you’ve given birth. I’m not an idiot. I’ve actually seen message boards where women have said that anyone who doesn’t have a child has no right to offer advice to mothers. I’m going to go out on a limb here: until I’ve, in fact, said something terrifically stupid, can you give me the benefit of the doubt? An absence of children does not equal a complete lack of common sense. Personally, my first job was a summer camp for kids between 6-10 years old. The kids really liked me, and it wasn’t because I let them get away with everything.

Newborns kinda scare me. You took over 9 months to grow it, and you want to let me *hold* it? Let me tell you what. If I spent 9 months on a painting and it caused me as much pain as I hear childbirth does – you guys would not be coming within 10 feet of it. So it’s not that I wouldn’t love to hold your infant, I’m just really afraid that I’m going to break it. I’ve dropped every small animal I’ve owned as a puppy/kitten, and I really don’t want to drop your kid. This doesn’t mean that I’m incapable or don’t like kids. Just because I don’t want to worry about a toddler sticking their fingers in a light socket all day every day doesn’t mean that I’m less of a human. I also have no real desire to bungee jump, run for a public office or get a buzz cut.

Listen, I know that when my dog is sick, it’s not the same caliber as when your kid is sick. When my cat does something cute, it’s never going to be nearly as cute as when your kid does something. I also know that for if I set my profile picture as a picture of my animals and updated you on their status every day, you’d think I was really strange, but that for some reason, it’s perfectly okay for you to do it about your kids. I’m fine with that.

Having kids is great, and I’m not saying that I’ll never, just not any time soon, and probably never. Do you remember, before you had kids, that you were a fully functional human female? That hasn’t changed. I may not have kids, but I’m a female, just like you. I may not have to make the exact same decisions you do, but I’m not unfamiliar with the fact that those decisions are tough. I may not get woken up at 3 am by a screaming baby, but I know what it’s like to have several sleepless nights. I know that you love your children very intensely, and I think it must be a very powerful bond. But I am not less of a human for not having that in my life right now. I am not pathetic and sad, I am not dumb, I am not shallow and selfish. I’m not saying that all mothers have this attitude, but there are some who do. Please, remember that once upon a time, you were not a mother either, and you were still human.

There is a light at the end of the tunnel
Six months ago, Matt was knee deep in the dead end job of doom. Long commute, horrible boss, crappy pay. Stuck there for three years, in the Michigan “endless-drain” economy, a way out seemed out of reach. But now he is out, and the commute is a lot less horrible, and he can work hours that are comfortable to him. After insurance, we ended up taking a pay cut to do this, but he’s happier, and that’s a start.

People don’t mature with age
Have you seen the Lee Stranahan/James Chartrand debacle? If you don’t keep an eye on bloggers, you probably haven’t. But the short story is this: Lee is an entrepreneur who was having a rough patch, so he sent out an email to his clients (who had opted in to such emails) explaining his situation, saying that he was running a sale, and if anyone wanted to buy something that he offered, he’d appreciate it. James Chartrand, who is on said list, publically blasted him on her blog – except, she left out his name. Kept all the incriminating details, including direct quotes, but left out his name. Any one of Lee’s clients knew who was being talked about. I know that Lee lost some business as a result, I don’t know what fallout James might take. But to be a professional and blast someone without full disclosure is just cowardly, IMO. Clearly, age does not = maturity.

Don’t photograph weddings for family and friends
Okay, I think I’ve said this before, but I’ll reiterate. Friends and family will never take you as seriously as they will someone they don’t know. You cannot strike the appropriate amount of fear in their hearts. It’s not that I don’t enjoy photographing for friends and family, I just don’t necessarily think it’s a good idea after 3 years of it.

Phones give me anxiety, but I can deal with it
At one time, I was asked to call people and chat with them about their potential websites. Phones make me one stop short of hyperventilation, especially when I don’t know the other person. But I did it, and while I never quite got over that anxious feeling, I discovered that my charisma rolls are decent and I’m not quite phone inept.

I can live without a laptop!
I’ve been a laptop addict for the last 4 years. One day, shortly before my birthday, said laptop died without warning. Since we had just bought me a new desktop, I wasn’t comfortable replacing the laptop. So I decided to see if I could do without one. I really felt like I was breaking an addiction the first few days. I was cranky and there may have been some shaking and sweats in there (ok, I’m kidding), but after a couple of weeks, I adjusted, and it was fine. Laptops are great for being portable, but desktops are so much more powerful. Plus, it’s a lot harder to step on your desktop. In the interest of full disclosure, Matt did recently buy me  a netbook. I specifically asked for something with limited functionality to be a portable writing machine for NaNoWriMo, and that’s exactly what that little netbook is.

It’s better to understand yourself than to keep trying to be what you aren’t
Over the past few months, I’ve been trying to understand what makes me tick, what motivates me, and what kind of schedule keeps me efficient. Not continually forcing myself to fit into a perceived standard has made me get way more done, and I’m way happier for it.

Boundaries hurt
One of my biggest flaws is that I will let people walk over me. I believe it’s in the name of not hurting people, making others happy, and being compassionate. But while I’ve been frequently reminded that it isn’t okay, only this past summer have I slowly started to stand up for myself and establish boundaries. People don’t like it when you go from being silly putty to expecting to be treated like an equal. Apartment complexes don’t like it when you march up to the office several times because you don’t want your animals to suffer with the 90 degree temps and no air conditioning. Enforcing boundaries with people who don’t want boundaries is really hard, but those who love and respect you will come to accept them.

If your words don’t line up with your actions, you’re just a bunch of noise
You can SAY that you’re really strong, but if you can’t break the board, it doesn’t matter much. You can say that you love people and cherish them, but if you don’t treat them that way, it doesn’t matter much. You can’t not be real. It’ll come out eventually.

You can’t predict what will happen, but it’ll all work out in the end, anyway

I have a theory. It’s going to knock your socks off.

Life is as much about dedication as inspiration. Maybe, inspiration is actually less important than dedication. Wow, yeah, I can see some confused looks there.

Lots of people have great ideas, but the difference between idea and dollar is action. Love it or hate it, people had ideas, Bill Gates made the operating system easier for the average person. Lots of people write stories, Stephen King edited his and sent them out. Every teenage boy wants to be in a rock band, a very few work at it until they get signed to a label.

Your ideas are great. But if you’re never going to do anything about them, things are never going to change. If you start work on your ideas and you don’t follow through, things are never going to change.

Every time you try and fail, you get closer to what it is you’re trying to do, and you’ll be leaps ahead of the people who never try.

Don’t wait around for the inspiration fairy. If you do, you’re setting yourself up for a more difficult path. If you do things halfway, if you let yourself get distracted, you’re going to sabotage yourself.

Life is never going to be easy. Your schedule is never going to open up and beg you to work on your projects. Life will always be there. You can’t shut out life, and you shouldn’t try to. If it’s a time to grieve, then grieve. If it’s a time to celebrate, then celebrate. But keep your dedication, keep your drive. The hardest part is starting the momentum. It’s a law of physics – an object in motion tends to remain in motion. Get started and don’t stop. Harness your inspiration fairy for a little while, and she’ll turn into your muse of dedication.

It is not cruel or unfair to suggest that you should work. If you’re disagreeing with me, it’s probably because you don’t want to do the work. You want success to knock on your door like Publisher’s Clearing House.

Reality check: Even Publisher’s Clearing House requires you to send in entry forms.

Stacy is my friend and co-blogger. Look for her posts every Wednesday!

I’ve never really liked much about my body. In my eyes, I’m too short which causes my proportions to be off. I especially dislike my legs.

This past summer was extremely hot. After work, I came home, drew all the blinds, and began to peel off layers. I exposed every decent part of my body (you never know when someone might come knocking on the door), and lay sprawled, usually on the couch, failing at staying awake.

There used to be a time when I wouldn’t dream of being so naked around anyone. My body image has never been that good. Until now.

I still want to lose weight so I can feel healthy and be fit, but I have come to appreciate the curve of my legs, my most hated of all body parts. Even my hips have worked their way into my heart.

One day I asked myself why there was this sudden (and positive) change in my body image. I thought that it could be a change in my attitude toward myself that did it. But I knew that that change had to come from somewhere else. Then it hit me.

*Flashback to an evening shopping at Target with Justin.* We walked along the aisles looking at bathroom accessories. Across from us were tiny outfits and shoes. The baby aisle. Discussions of children ensued, followed by the most dreaded question any female could ask their partner.

“Justin” said I.

“What?”

“Will you still want to do me when I get pregnant and fat?”

He chuckled. “Yes.”

“Really? I looked at him dreamily.

“Yeah.”

I’ve learned that being with someone that loves me the way I am really helps me see myself differently. My negative body image hasn’t been completely cured, and I doubt it ever will, but knowing that Justin doesn’t see my “flaws” has made me reexamine myself. Nowadays I’m all about being comfortable, and if that means that I’ll wear shorts, then so be it.

I realize that I didn’t include my weight in last week’s entry, and to those of you who are helping me keep track, I’m sorry. I will leave a comment after this is posted with my weight and loss or gain.

If you didn’t see Thursday’s post, Life is Hard and Friendship is Rare, please check that out.

The problem with all relationships is that sometimes, we’re not on the same page, which causes tension. How many conversations did we have to have in high school, either turning down an unwanted crush or being turned down? This happens with friendships too, while usually not as awkward, can be just as painful.

As I mentioned in my last post – life is hard. No two people are going to say in the same spot in life. Life changes, and so must the dynamic of the friendship. The girls who met in their college dorm and partied regularly for four years will not have the same relationship once they both marry. However, changing dynamics doesn’t have to come with drama, and it doesn’t mean that the quality of the relationship has to suffer. The better we accept the organic ebb and flow of things, the easier it is to have a friend for years to come.

The bottom line of it is this: We can always have good friendships as long as we put the effort into it. What effort means varies by the people involved, but the trend must be back and forth. Friendship must be a two way street, or it will wither and eventually cease to exist.

There are friends who can only catch up once a year, but when they do, they pick up right where they left off. This is okay, because that’s how that friendship exists, and presumably, both parties are okay with this. It would not be okay if, for instance, the parties had a standing monthly date and only once a year did it work out. It would be a safe bet that at least one of them would be unhappy with the arrangement and the repeatedly hurt expectations. There are friends who meet once a week, rain or shine. There are friends who live together for a period of time. There is no manual of how a friendship should look, but both parties need to be on the same page.

Whatever the currency is, whatever this should look like to you, you have to be prepared to give to the friendship and open yourself up. Nurture the friendship and treat your friends like they are important to you, because presumably, they are. Again, there’s no manual for what this should look like, and it’s likely that all this happens without instruction. When you care about someone, it’s instinctual to invest in them, to care for them.

If it’s a good friendship, or even, if it’s a friendship at all, it’s a two way street. You give, and your friend gives back. If you break down the actions, the shopping, the coffee, the crying in the middle of the night, that’s the formula. It doesn’t always have to be even, and are times when one person needs to take more than they can give. This is just part of life.

None of this would need to be said, however, if there weren’t the instances where friendship is NOT a two-way street. Now, mind you, I just said that there are times when people need to take more than they can give. There’s a difference between this and flat out non-reciprocation.

Maybe this doesn’t apply to you, because you’re not that kind of person. But for some of us, whose best days come from being able to love and DO and give and be there for others – we eventually come to learn that we attract people who like to leech off of us. Why this is, I don’t really know, maybe it’s to feed their egos, maybe they don’t know any better, or maybe they’re just really sadistic. Friendship, for people like me, is a really hard thing. Because if you let me, I could be the best friend you’ll ever have. I’m loyal, a good listener, and there isn’t much I won’t do for my friends.

I know there are people like me who give up on having friendships. They’ve seen how cruel people can be, and there’s only so much beating their hearts can take. I don’t blame these people a bit. I haven’t hit that point yet, and I’m still willing to take that risk. I know how exceedingly happy I am when I get to spend time with a friend, whether it’s for coffee, prepping NaNo materials, or bowling. I love life and I love being able to share in the lives of my friends, in the good and the bad. I know that we are not meant to be alone, and that while I have my husband, having other friends makes our relationship better.

Good, true friendships are worth fighting for. Bad ones are not. But sometimes you have to accept that friendship is a two way street, and if you’re doing all this fighting and nothing is coming back … there’s nothing else you can do.