sarahski

I wasn’t really sure to title this post. “Sarah waxes on about friendship, part infinity” didn’t seem quite right.

Matt and I just had an interesting conversation in the car, and so I wanted to blab a little bit. I feel like this might be one of those times where I’m accidentally offensive, which probably means that I should just keep quiet.

My natural tendency is to like people, to care about them, and give them the benefit of the doubt. When we see people, I usually get all smiley afterwards and proclaim to Matt that “we’re going to be friends” – whatever that means.

I’ve said for many years that I want this “best friend” that is the friend that I see periodically, go through life changes with, but that I can always talk to if I need to, or if she needs me. I got her back yo, and she got mine. (For lack of a more eloquent way of putting it)

However, I’ve also learned that this idea just doesn’t work. I am right on the line between introvert and extrovert, and the introverted part of me isn’t good at setting up friendships, while the extrovert really wants to.

This comic, from this person, sums up my interaction with people pretty well.

One major thing I appreciate about my friend Kate is that she’s been so honest about feeling this way too, that being proactive is really hard for her. I think it’s partially because of this that we’ve become pretty good friends. (I consider her one of my closest friends, truthfully)

In the link there, I also talk about how, while I really like the “one friend to rule them all” principle, it usually ends up biting me in the butt, because I choose personality types that don’t meld with mine in the long run.

I’ve been thinking about it – and 300 words into this post, I’m getting to my point here – and it’s not so much that I need a “one ring” friend, so much as I really like what I’d call “meaningful” friendships. My favorite people are those whom I feel like I share a bit of their lives and thoughts and can share mine, likewise. I’m not saying that I want people to share details with me that they’re not comfortable with, but if they have a crappy day, they can tell me about it. Friends that I know really like gummy worms, but maybe not cake, so much. I realize that at this point in my life, when people are growing up, having families of their own and really putting down their career path, this isn’t so easily obtained. And that’s fine. It just makes me super happy when I know that I can talk to someone, because they can talk to me, because we know things about each other.

A couple of friends of mine have become pregnant in the last little bit, and internally, I was quite a bit more excited for one friend. It’s not that I was unhappy for other friend, but I realized that I was very excited for one friend because she had shared with me her desire for children, whereas the other friend really hadn’t. I consider her a friend, but I don’t really know much about her life, which makes it more difficult for me to celebrate life events. If a friendship with someone is based on something static, when that thing is removed or changes, it’s much harder to maintain a friendship. Whereas, if the friendship begins at a point and expands to other things that ebb and flow along with life, I feel like that friendship is more likely to last … not stay the same, but last, nonetheless.

I feel like this post needs an eloquent ending after such rambling. But in order to give it a proper ending, I feel like I’d need to have reached some destination, and I haven’t. I can’t say as I have, this is just another step along the way. Friendships are something that is very important to me, and now I can better define how and why. I really like people. (In certain quantities … I am still an introvert) While I thought that I desired one particular friendship, I realize now that it’s not the case … what I want are a few meaningful friendships, and for those to be reciprocated.

Now that I’ve got all the depth out of the way, wait ’til you hear my conspiracy post about Dr. Pepper …

I’ve struggled falling and staying asleep lately. Some nights, I take melatonin, but the result is usually that I can’t function well until 10 or 11 am. Tonight I chose not to, and the result is starting this post at 1 am, next to a sleeping husband, with some hoarding show on.

The last 12 months have brought what I feel is a great deal of maturity and perspective. For so long, I’ve taken a very submissive approach to life. I’ve let everyone else take the lead, because to some degree, I haven’t felt like I could make decisions or stand behind them. I didn’t really think about this choice, I just thought that I was being an agreeable, respectful person and that in the end, this would be more beneficial. As a result, I haven’t alienated many people, but I haven’t been very remarkable, either. The adjective most commonly used to describe me is “nice”, and I appreciate that, but it should also be followed with “forgettable” to be accurate. It’s not that I think there’s anything wrong with being nice. But nice, in this instance, doesn’t mean helpful, compassionate, wise, loving – it just indicates a lack of negative traits. That’s also not to say that I’ve been a fake or that life has stunk. I just feel like I’ve put myself on “mute” more than necessary.

Then came this choice. I could choose to throw all of my self respect on the fire, apologize for things I hadn’t done, and make things good. Or, I could refuse to take blame that wasn’t due, stand up for myself and walk away with dignity. I chose the latter of my own volition, and I paid for it.

But that event caused me to examine everything else, to figure out where my own ethical line in the sand really is. I’m learning the consequences of my inaction, how they affect not only myself, but others in my life, too. I’m learning that I am capable of making decisions and that the act does not mean that I will alienate others.  I’m realizing that my intuition is pretty good. I’m learning that I can do the things I want to do, that I have more to offer than I give myself credit for, and I feel like I’m finding my voice.

I want to inspire people, I want to encourage and help them. I want to be the best friend I can to others. I’ve always wanted these things, but I have a much better perspective now. Really, I feel that I have a better understanding of what friendship is and isn’t. More than anything, I’m convinced that it’s not possible to tell someone that you love them, and then throw them to the wolves without a second thought. This revelation has, oddly enough, been very healing. It’s one thing to mourn something you lost, but it’s another to realize that you never had it to begin with.

I have some very good, consistent, outstanding friends. I have friends that I know, and have proven, that they’re there for me in a pinch. I realize that I’ve written about this whole thing before, and by now it’s more than a dead horse. But this is something that has brought a lot of reflection and ultimately great changes for me. It takes time to process stuff like that, and some things have had to go through the processing more than once. I have a richer life because of this, and so I’m actually okay with it. I can honestly say that I see beauty from the pain, and that’s where I hoped I’d be.

In case you missed the note, the transition is complete, and I now have two distinct websites. Be sure to check out geekywives. This site will be receiving a make over soon.

This is the year where I get my act together. I don’t usually make a fuss about the new year, but this time I think I needed a point at which I could put a stamp on it, proclaim things done, and start over. I’m not a resolution maker, not because I have a problem with them, just because I don’t care for the stigma of failure. Matt wrote a cute (and somewhat disturbing) fairy tale about resolutions.

I learned a lot in the past year, things I’m glad that I know now, but didn’t need to learn them in the way they happened. I put a lot of effort into certain people and businesses, neither of which were my own, and in the end, gained me nothing. When it came to my own projects, I took the scraps of what I had left, put those in, and when something difficult came up, threw my hands up and said never mind. To be fair, the fact that I took those scraps and tried making something with them at all was a pretty big deal for me. I had choices, don’t get me wrong, I just didn’t necessarily make good ones.

So, I wanted to talk a little bit about the positive stuff I’ve been up to.

I’ve been drawing a bit. Though I’ve been working on manga style stuff, I have a feeling that I’ll dabble in doing one of the fancy pants sketches like I did in high school before long. I’ve also been painting, though not with the consistency that I should. I love oil painting, but I tend to paint a couple of times, and then set it aside to harden a bit and forget about it for another two months. I thought that working on two paintings at once would solve this problem, but instead, I just have two canvases sitting around. Stepping away from that ball of fun … I’ve also been crocheting. I hadn’t touched yarn in something resembling two years, since I had the urge to try and make scarves for our soldiers. I gave that up when I couldn’t make a straight scarf for the life of me. But I found my hooks and some yarn and thought hey, why not? Turns out, when I stopped trying to make it good and just started making stuff up, I had way more fun with it.

I even made a child-sized beanie/beret hat THING. Without a pattern. On the first try. It’s got a hole for the head and everything.

Also, I’ve been writing. I need to get back to editing and fiction writing, and I will soon. But at the very least I’ve been writing on paper, in a really pretty notebook that my friend Jenny gave me for Christmas. (Oh, I am such a sucker for notebooks)

I took a step in the right direction and put geekywives out there, even if I wasn’t entirely ready for it. (Oh November and December … you crazy, busy months, you!) I’m going to continue working on it and refining it, with the help of some lovely ladies.

Last (off the top of my head, anyway), but not least, I’m working on exercising. Again. For the hundred thousandth time. Actually, that’s how this post was started … I was going to just talk about exercise. But the more I thought about it, I realized that I’m doing so much else, that I wanted to talk about more. But as far as the exercise goes, I’ve got a double whammy of accountability going on. First, Matt and I came up with some harebrained scheme that whomever exercised more/better per pay period can get some token thing, like riot points for LoL or Simpoints. Then my mom asked if I’d help her stay accountable, and I figured, hey, why not? So I’m trying to get at least 30 minutes of activity in a day, and I find that if I’m trying to just treadmill for 30 minutes, I’m not so bored. So I’m taking advantage of our dvd collection and doing some yoga, some pilates, and some straight up cardio.

I’m feeling pretty optimistic about everything, and I’ll let you in on a little secret. This is my year.

Several weeks ago, someone that I hadn’t seen in a while asked if I had a job yet. I said no. She replied that I am “living the life of luxury” – I’m sure she was just trying to be polite, but the remark stung a little.

Maybe if this were a choice on my part, I could play it off as luxury. But the fact is, the Michigan economy is in the crappiest part of the crapper, I have very little job experience to recommend myself, and even if both of the above weren’t issues, my car has been out of commission since September.

I’m not saying all that to make you feel sorry for me, just that if it were up to me, this is not how I would choose to go about things. I would at least be working part-time somewhere, because it’s a thorn in my side that I have nothing meaningful to contribute.

Now, if you’ve followed me for a while, you might go “hey, wait, aren’t you working for your friend, there?” and to that, I’d clarify: past tense. For a while, it looked like she might bring me on to do bigger and better stuff (ie: design), but that ended up not being the case. It didn’t really benefit either of us to keep me around for a couple hours of work a month in the client intake box. Personally, I feel that I could have been utilized, been made a linchpin and done great things for that business…but it’s her business, not mine, and business decisions should never be touchy feely – you have do what’s best for your bottom line, and I respect that. It frees me up to pour my heart and soul into my own projects, and that’s never a bad thing. (There’s a bit more to it than this, but this is what I’m comfortable putting out there, and it’s the gist of it.)

So what projects *am* I working on?
Well, for one thing, there’s the geeky wives/sarah ski split, and all that goes into that. I’m also working on writing, and soon I’m going to go back to editing my 2008 NaNo novel too. I’ve got some creative projects I’m working on – a couple oil paintings, some crocheting. I think there will be more things coming down the pipe as NaNo finally finishes winding down. (Our TGIO party was Dec 5th, and the book drive isn’t finished yet, so it’s still not wrapped up for me)

I don’t really know why I’m apparently meant to be at home, but I’m trying really hard to make the best of it. I trust God’s judgment on this, but I assure you that no, I am not a woman of luxury. I mean, I don’t even have fuzzy slippers or bon bons, and aren’t those a luxurious housewife requirement?

Forgive and forget, turn the other cheek, let it go, what would Jesus do, don’t hold a grudge…

Today I’ve been thinking about forgiveness. I regret that today was one of those days that I wasn’t home very much, so I didn’t have time to do any interesting word studies.

We’re biblically commanded to forgive, as God has forgiven us. Seventy times seven times, Jesus says. But even if you’re not religiously inclined, you must know that to not forgive is incredibly painful. It’s like a parasite that eat away at you, it robs you of your happiness, consumes your thoughts, and blinds you to life. When someone wrongs us, we can’t not forgive.

But what is forgiveness, exactly? I think that true forgiveness is something that takes time, otherwise it falls into two extremes: not-forgiveness and “over”-forgiveness. Not-forgiveness is pretty easily explained – you think you’ve forgiven, or you want to forgive, but you haven’t yet gotten there. You’re still bitter, you’re still angry, you haven’t let it go.

On the other end of the spectrum, you’ve got “over”-forgiveness. I have no way of finding this out, but I tend to wonder if it’s something that is more common in people raised in the church. See, you’re brought up knowing that you MUST forgive and that you should turn the other cheek and be a good person. So what happens is that, in your eagerness to forgive, you fail to deal with the problem and set yourself up for the cycle to repeat. Nothing gets dealt with, because the only thing that matters is that you’re not in conflict. But this isn’t healthy either, and often leads to frustrated people feeling that they’re supposed to be taken advantage of, because it’s better than potentially being upset with someone.

True forgiveness takes time and it takes effort. If you need to forgive someone, there is a reason, chances are you were hurt. Physical wounds take time to heal, and so do emotional wounds, but we rarely acknowledge this. Instead, we expect that forgiveness will be instantaneous, that we can wipe our hands of it once and be free…that’s so not the case. I wish it did work that way, but it doesn’t.

I don’t feel comfortable telling anyone “how” to forgive, because it’s too varied, much like you can’t really tell someone how to treat a wound because a papercut will be different than a severed limb.

I also don’t believe that “forgive and forget” is an entirely accurate or healthy way to go about it. You can certainly forgive, but that doesn’t mean that the other party will change their behavior. You have to be smart about it – forgive, because it’s unhealthy not to – but don’t set yourself up to fall in the same traps. Trust is something that should be earned, and if someone has hurt that trust, it’s fair to protect yourself until that trust can be built up again. By all means, I’m not saying shut someone out, and if you do that, you’re probably not *really* forgiving someone, but do take care of your well-being as well. There’s a difference between forgiving yourself in a healthy way and forgiving such that you set yourself up to repeat poor cycles. Unfortunately, it takes time – usually trial and error – to figure it out.

Even still … forgiveness is vital to life. It dawned on me tonight for the first time (I don’t really know why I thought of this in the first place), that had Judas not hung himself, Jesus would have forgiven him. Would he have let Judas back in as a disciple as he was before? That, I’m not sure. But there would have been forgiveness, definitely.